The only way is forward…

“Life is like a pedal. They can push you back down, but you always come back up”- a quote I found on pinterest. (no shame!)

I have been thinking long and hard about a good starting off point for my blog. I’ve had lots of supportive friends and family suggest to me that I write. They think it’ll be cathartic to write, and I hope it will benefit someone else who is struggling.

I can not go in to too many details, but for the past two weeks my life has been a general mess. Last week was a real headache, with a lot of hurry up and wait, combined with anxiety and bad memories. Ugh. This week, I have felt truly defeated physically and emotionally. I got my bike about a month ago, and I had rode for a minute there, keeping a steady rhythm, but due to extenuating circumstances, I stopped riding.

In general, I feel life can be like this. I can’t speak for everyone, but I will speak for myself: I stop riding when I get the least bit anxious… You see, what happens is, I get really excited about something. I talk about my newest idea for days, and I stay up night after night researching. I put a plan into motion, I start the plan, and then I just… palms-are-sweaty-knees-weak-arms-are-heavy-stop. It’s debilitating. 

Do you know the feeling of unconditional love and the will to just Move, Goddammit, but no– you’re suffocating. The pain is tangible, and all you want to do is cry out for help. This isn’t a night terror, or sleep paralysis. This is the real deal. You’re slipping. All you want to do is hold on to the cliff, but Scar has his claws dug deep into your heart, and the pain is ripped right through to your very soul. Betrayed by your “brother of emotion,” your mentality can’t keep up. Knocked down, you are left in the dust crying out, “Somebody! Anybody!”

That’s about the best Lion King anecdote of depression I can describe. So if you’re there with me, let’s get through this together, shall we? I’m going to embark on a challenge.

Now it’s time to get back on the horse bike. It’s so hard to get out the door.  I decided the best way to deal with my shit anxiety and depression is to challenge myself. So, I am going to challenge myself to a thirty day challenge. Yeah, you read that right. Thirty days of riding my bike every single day. After much consideration, tears, and talks, here are the rules:

  1. I must ride my bicycle every single day for the next thirty days, rain or shine.
  2. I must document how the ride made me feel. What emotions came up, and where I am mentally, etc.
  3. I can bike at any time of day, but I must wear my helmet, gloves, safety vest and bring my whistle. (I will try to bring a go-pro and incorporate some videos, because why the hell not?)
  4. I must hydrate, hydrate, hydrate
  5. I can’t lash out at my husband when I feel miserable, because he is practically perfect in every way. (and let’s be honest, he doesn’t need my shit.)

So, today, we are spending the day at the boardwalk with my angel’s girl scout troop. Tomorrow: I ride! (imagine this in your best western voice with a whip cracking)

Remember to be kind to yourself and if you or someone close to you is in serious distress or simply needs to talk to someone, please call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255.



P.S. It is fitting that I would actually start this today. Happy six year anniversary to my wonderful husband. Thank you, R, for being my rock, my motivation, my everything. I love you with all my heart!!

5 thoughts on “The only way is forward…”

  1. I love you. I’m so proud of you for taking this step. You know how much I LOVE your writing. You got this! I can’t wait to read your journey as you live it.


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