Did you know that I “collect” angels? This is a very recent thing. I used to collect angels/dolls/fairies when I was a little little girl but when I got into my teenage years I tossed them along with my yearbooks and a whole bunch of other “stuff.” You see, I don’t like a lot of stuff. I don’t like clutter. However, my dearest friend obtained these angels from his late mother. He wanted to have them nearby, but he wanted them to go to someone who would cherish them and not just toss them by the wayside. I took them home and lovingly cleaned each and every one with a soft bristled jewelry brush. My daughter and I discussed where they should go, and I decided to clear the top shelf of my bookshelf and place them there. This shelf is right next to my bed, so I have the angels’ protection while I sleep. Or at least a reminder that my guides are always there.
Each night I do a meditation* to open my chakras and surround myself in a white light (I know, it sounds crazy but I have yet to be haunted since I’ve done this!) After making the last post that I made in this blog, I dove into quite a busy weekend. I got caught up in the frenzy that is my family and got sucked into the waves of emotion that can stir up a hurricane if I am not ready. My brother and I got into the stupidest fight ever and we never argue. I think it had been a good 7 or 8 years since we had an actual full blown argument. Now, sometimes one or the other will step onto a land mine and the other one will go into “lecture mode,” when we get grouchy, sure, but usually the other person is able to calm the angered person and we can talk about it calmly. Yin and yang, I think…or something like that. Peanut butter and jelly? haha Anyway, fighting with him is so different from fighting with anyone else because our arguments are usually where we are trying to convey each other’s perspective but we can’t get the words out. (as opposed to arguing different sides, we argue the same side with similar perspectives and fail to convey the actual Point until we have calmed down enough to discuss it LOL) It is interesting to watch, I assume because my sister and sister in law witnessed the whole account this weekend. By the end of the argument, we were both shaking. After comparing our shaking hands, he looked at me and said, “See, we are the same!” Once we calmed down, we were able to speak openly and restructure our boundaries a bit. We are both in the middle of a (separate, alone, individual) metamorphosis, so it’s hard to have all the answers at the moment.
I have been able to take this week to myself because my daughter is out of town with her Mimi and new cousin. My sister and her wife are also there. From the looks of things, they are having quite a summer out of town! I had different plans for how I was going to spend my days this week, but God always seems to know where to best guide me. So, I cleansed the house today and when Rapunzel messaged me in distress I gave her some sage advice. It was then that I realized how much I am truly growing.
So, with that, I’d like to list a few realizations that I’ve had, so that I can look back on this post during darker days and remember how far I have come.
- What you put out is what comes back to you. I am sure that everyone has heard that before, but I can not begin to tell you how true that is. If I sit here all day long complaining about how miserable I am, I will continue to be miserable. However, if I sit here all day long and tell myself that I will have a good day, I will have a good day. The universe is so vast. It is so complex. But the law of energy is there. Whatever energy you put out will come back to you, so think positive and be the person you want to be tomorrow, today. I want to be healthier and stronger, so I go through my days acting like I am already healthy and strong. I know in my core that I will be those things one day, because I am already living that life today.
- Never assume negative intent (across the board: driving, in conversation, via texts, etc.) This is so fucking hard y’all. Oh my goodness, trust me, I KNOW how hard it is. But I promise you the driver who cut you off did not get into their car today and say, “I’m going to try to run you specifically off the road today just to raise hell.”
Trust me, you’re not that important.Also, that person who said that thing probably didn’t mean to be rude to you. If you are hurt by what they said, its okay to create boundaries. Just be specific. “That felt harsh to me, can you clarify what you meant when you said….?” or if you feel an argument coming, a good way to diffuse it before it starts is to ask for clarity in a kind, not sarcastic way, “So, you said _______________?” Sometimes simply asking is enough to give someone pause so that they can articulate what they meant.
- People’s reactions are a reflection of them, NOT you. So when you ask that person to clarify and they get angry, that’s their problem. You did not cause that to happen. You have every right to not respond/react. You have every right to ask to take a break. You have every right to walk away. If someone sends you a nasty message, you are under no obligation to read it, or to read it and respond. Now, this can be very tricky, but usually if it is said in a kind way, “I’d rather not discuss this,” most people will back down. Sometimes, people will get angry or even hurt because they are genuinely curious. Tone is key. Did you know that most people communicate through body language and tone first, and words second? True story!
- Learn to forgive yourself. For me, its easier to forgive someone else than it is to forgive myself. Like I said in the last post when Hunter asked me what my family thought of my actions, I said that they were probably embarrassed. My mom and brother both confirmed this was far from true. The thing is, I was still blaming myself for all of that. (today is actually an anniversary of one of the horrific incidents, oddly) But even though I put myself in those situations sometimes, that doesn’t mean it’s all my fault. That would be giving myself too much credit in all the wrong places. It’s okay to celebrate yourself in a positive way. Be kind to yourself.
- Create boundaries. This is huge. It’s important to know what things will trigger you and what buttons will set you off. That way if something comes up, you can change the subject, or do some deep breathing until the moment passes. My dad mentioned someone’s name a few months ago that triggered me. I just took a big gulp of water and breathed deeply until the conversation changed a bit. When I got home, I was able to process why that hurt me so much and then speak to my mom about it so that it wouldn’t happen again. Communication is key to everything, really. It starts with you. You have to be willing to be honest with yourself, and those around you to create that safety net that you need.
You are in charge even when it doesn’t seem that way, you create the boundaries and choose your reactions. I learned this week that if you don’t want to talk on the phone there is a text hotline, too. So add this to your numbers if you need to! 741741 Text that number and a crisis counselor will text with you! ❤
I hope this helps give you perspective and reminds you that you’re not alone in your struggles. (Also, just putting this out there, since this is the online world: You do not have to respond to that Facebook post that made you angry. REALLY, you don’t. Here is some perspective, if you haven’t seen it already.)
*Yes, I believe in the unbelievable. I believe in ghosts, spirits, energy, magic, aliens, conspiracy theories, tarot, astrology, etc. Most people know this about me, but juuuust in case.
Remember to be kind to yourself and if you or someone close to you is in serious distress or simply needs to talk to someone, please call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text 741741.