Do you know that heavy feeling of emptiness, where you feel like you have tried every option in the book and still you’re stuck?
Our weeks have been comprised a lot of those feelings as of late. I’m not here to complain, though. There are things I need to share, naturally.
My husband was “let go,” of his job. His boss called one night and said, “I’m going to the doctor tomorrow, we don’t need you to come in tomorrow, I’ll call you and keep you updated.” But he didn’t call. R called his boss for a whole week, multiple days in a row, and the guy just never responded. It was then that R knew he had to start looking for work. We have been holding out hope against hope that he finds something soon.
The level of depression around here has been pretty brutal, not going to lie. There are many days where we just sleep. Or lock ourselves away in our own worlds, because the waiting game is hard. We think R may have something, but it is a long process, and involves travel and a whole slew of other things. I think the word I am looking for is “overwhelmed.”
Thank god for our family and friends. Rapunzel helped us immensely with groceries, and my mom helped us with medications and doctors appointments and bills. For my birthday, my family came together and helped pay rent. Thank god. We are so grateful, truly.
Sometimes it’s just hard to pick yourself up when life knocks you down, you know? I’m inherently an optimist despite all the
fucking shit stuff I have been through in my life. I guess I am just weird like that. My friend Michelle said that it’s funny how I smile so much when there is so much going in inside my mind…but I even smile when I cry, so I don’t know what to say about that. (Sorry, I am clearly out of sorts)
Anyway, last night while laying in bed, I was talking with R about how we can’t continue to dwell on the negativity. I am a firm believer of creating your own destiny, and all that hippie jazz. The energy you put out comes back to you in kind, so you may as well put out the most positive, confident, grateful energy there is to be had, right?!
After we talked it out last night, we decided that we were going to suck it up and put our best foot forward. We got some good solid rest and then once the kiddo went shopping with her Mimi, R and I decided to tackle the chores around the house. We are almost done, but we took a break so I could write. I made some meals for the week so that if I didn’t feel like cooking, we weren’t stuck eating toast and beans or something.
Depression is really hard sometimes, guys, and it’s best to just do what you can. I follow Jessica Gimeno (who I discovered on a Ted X talk) and she says to make a list of everything that you need to do that day. Only that day. And then next to the list, put a star or a tally next to the things that need to get done based on difficulty. Not based on the order that things need to be done. The difficulty. I just really want to reiterate that. So for example, a list for me today would look like this:
The one star items I get out of the way first, whether or not it “makes sense.” A shower feels good to me and relaxes me. I’ll do that first and I may or may NOT brush my hair right away. But after I get the ones out of the way, I move to the two starred items, and then the three starred items.
The thought process behind this organized chaos is that you build confidence as you get more stuff done, so by the time you get to the three starred tasks you can do them with a fresh burst of confidence that will give you the energy to finish. And if you don’t finish, that’s okay, too! I had set out to make a whole week of meals, but I ended up only making three days worth of meals and that is perfectly fine! I never got around the the laundry, so I asked for help from R to complete the task. Don’t be afraid to say “I need a break,” or “I am tired.”
So, while we weather the storm of R’s unemployment we are going to work together as a team to get through it. Sometimes, all you can do is let go and let the universe do the work for you. I feel like we are on the cusp of a huge change in our lives, because I don’t believe this stuff happens “just because.”
So, take it from someone who has been in the depths of mental hell. Take it from someone who has cried all alone in the middle of the night because I felt like I couldn’t go on. Take it from someone who has felt so fucking numb from the depression that giving up was the only answer, and yes, I called the 1800 number. I’ve been to the ER for my mental health and I’m still here. So you can push through whatever chaos is going on in your world, too! I promise.
Love and light,
Remember to be kind to yourself and if you or someone close to you is in serious distress or simply needs to talk to someone, please call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text 741741.