Do you remember that spiritual buffet that I spoke of? Today, I am certainly “eating” from it. There are some things that I can’t explain, some tangible feeling that is so deeply rooted within my soul, my heart would just break if I didn’t pause to listen. Some call that clairvoyance, some say phony, and I don’t really call it anything at all. I just listen.
For those that don’t know, Halloween is deeply rooted in the Wiccan/Pagan culture. Before we commercialized the holiday, Pagans around the world would utilize the date of October 31st as their version of new year’s, basically. That’s really simply put, but the thought behind Samhain (pronounced sow-in; it’s Irish) is that the end of harvest has arrived, so they are celebrating that and the beginning of winter. It is said that the veil between our world and the spiritual world is thinnest on Samhain. A lot of people use this time to reflect on the past, remember their loved ones, and to “let things go,” so to speak.
(this is seriously an oversimplification, but whatever look it up if you’re intrigued)
Last night, I had one of the worst breakdowns. I burned my hand while I was making tea and I just couldn’t breathe. Everything felt so out of control. R was there to calm me down and talk me through it, but I felt so heavy. I felt defeated and depressed because it’s been two months on my mental health medicine and I should be feeling better. I have goals and dreams and things I want to do, but more often than not, I lock myself in my room and sleep because I am so very tired. Not physically tired, but just so mentally drained that it hurts to be awake longer than I have to be because the demons inside my skull would eat me alive if they could. It hurts so much sometimes.
When I woke up this morning, I could sense that soft sweet whisper of the universe/god/whatever you want to call it. I could feel that today is a means to an end so that I can start anew. It also happens to be my mother’s birthday. And trick-or-treating for the little one. So much wrapped into the gift that is today. I got the little one ready for school and then I was confused. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Normally, I would turn on the TV, or catch up online but I didn’t feel like that was how I should spend my time today.
(or any day really, but I’m only human) Following my instincts, I went into my bedroom and lit some incense. I prayed over the loved ones that I’ve lost in my life. I prayed for a fresh start. I was very specific with my goals in mind.
Taking that small moment of time to reflect was incredible. That is what taking care of yourself really means, and I learned that today! Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean just doing whatever you please. We all need balance in life. If we slow down and reflect on where we are and who we are, we will be that much stronger to help the rest of the world sort out their shit. I’m sure lots of people know this, and yeah I may be slow on the uptake. However, in staying with the theme of last week’s post, I think it’s pretty fucking appropriate to give pause today as well.
Without action, there can be no progress, though. I could pray all day long with my make-shift altar but it would do no good if I did not work hard to reach my goals. So that’s next. This blog may not seem like much, but to me it’s everything. It’s giving myself a clean slate to work with. It’s learning grace when things don’t go my way. It’s letting go of all the irrelevant crap that has piled up onto my plate.
So often in life, we get caught in this web of complaining. All that does is create negativity and a heavy burden to carry. I’m all about breaking those bonds so we can create newer stronger ones and move forward in life. When you’re at your limit, do you pause to listen? If not, I recommend giving it a try. You never know what the universe is telling you if you go through life with your blinders on. So, even though there is some seriously devastating stuff going on in the world and in our personal lives, let’s light that torch and carry it through. We are so lucky to be here to begin with. Each new day is a blessing in and of itself.
Remember to be kind to yourself and if you or someone close to you is in serious distress or simply needs to talk to someone, please call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text 741741.