Alone.

These are the days that are hard.

The days that I’m hurting and being strong for everyone around me.

I don’t want pity or apologies. I just want to be surrounded by my loved ones in quiet comfort.

Walking in my socks because my sneakers don’t fit right and we can’t afford more. This is what determination looks like.

My pain goes beyond “how are you today?” This is something intangible that I can’t quite articulate.

This is putting my best foot forward and watching the social cues. This is acknowledging emotions and dialogues about them. This is trying so hard to make it work and then failing miserably. This is wondering why I feel like I have to try at all. Something that was once so fluid has been lost for quite some time now.

My heart aches. I’m tired, too.

I just don’t know what else to do. So I am taking a step back and breathing while I try to sort out the puzzle pieces. I will just have to evaluate how much of myself I can give. But it hurts to even think that. I want to give and do so much more. But I can’t fix this. I can’t make things better or easier for anyone else. It fucking sucks.

Damn.

Damn.

Damn.

4 thoughts on “Alone.”

  1. You are so vibrant and so loved by SO MANY. It breaks my heart to see your words in so much pain. I would say “Take care of yourself” but I know how empty those words are. Tomorrow is another, I hope better, day. You are never truly alone. You have amazing love in both directions.

    Liked by 1 person

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