Sorry, I’ve been out.
Or rather, I’ve been in.
Inside the lucid chaos that is my psyche.
I have learned that as I near age 30, a baby by all accounts, I still bear witness to some horrific things. Life is hard. And the trials and tribulations never stop. It is an endless cycle of what once was, what is, and what will be.
That fucking sucks, not gonna lie.
A few friends have had their asses handed to them over the past few weeks. Physically more than 3 people who I know and love have been beaten down by life and the characters who wear the mask of Ego. Namely, abuse has been a huge card that has been played over the weeks, and I’m not at grips with where I feel regarding all of this. On one hand, abuse really does affect more than just the abused and the abuser, but in addition to that, does understanding WHY the abuse took place matter?
That’s a tricky question and I am not sure I have the answer. I never want to be the one who is championing the abuser, but context matters. This has been a very real and painful revelation. Am I the woman who will go to great lengths to protect my child? What about for a friend? For a stranger? Where is the line drawn from right and wrong anyway, and who draws it? Also, what constitutes as abuse, and what is written as merely a mistake? Where do we draw that line in the sand that says, “this is too much, this isn’t okay?”
This is the larger question for me. At least I have come to terms with my answers in friendships… but y’all, forgiveness is Hard. I used to think that it was easy to forgive, but when I thought I had moved on… Evidence suggests that life is an open book. And I can’t ever read the whole story and understand it if I try to forget parts that make up the whole. Yuck!
Another thing: Has anyone ever mentioned that being honest is really fucking scary? Like, really fucking scary. I’m not talking about superficial honesty, either– the basics of answering questions in truth or whatever. I’m talking about that raw honesty that is evident when you take the time to look in upon yourself. Damn, y’all! Even as someone who suffers from depression, there is still a veil over my eyes when it comes to seeing myself. I have a tendency to want to see myself in the best light, and lately I found that is a serious disadvantage for me. I have all these goals and dreams and aspirations and then I find myself– more often than not– not doing a single thing to reach these goals.
Uh…what the fuck?
So, I came across this article on reddit and it blew me away. In a nutshell, the author is saying to do four things:
- Don’t take a “zero day.” Do something every day that is working towards your goal. As he put it, “Didnt’ do anything all fucking day and it’s 11:58 PM? Write one sentence. One pushup. Read one page of that chapter. One. Because one is non zero. “
- Be grateful for yourself: past, present, and future. Do things out of gratitude for yourself. ” Stop a second, think of a good decision you made yesterday. Salad and tuna instead of Big Mac? THANK YOU YOUNGER ME. Was yesterday a nonzero day because you wrote 200 words (hey, that’s all you could muster)? THANK YOU YOUNGER ME. Saved up some coin over time to buy that sweet thing you wanted? THANK YOU. Second part of the 3 me’s is you gotta do your future self a favour, just like you would for your best fucking friend (no best friend? you do now. You got 2. It’s future and past you). Tired as hell and can’t get off the internet fuck you present self, this one’s for future me”
- Forgive yourself. I know this is hard, but hear me out: if you can learn how to do this, your whole world will shift. What I did was wrote down every single thing that I had been holding on to on a piece of paper. The lady who gave me a dirty look, I wrote it down. The bigger stuff like past bosses who totally used me? I wrote it down. I wrote it all out and then I got a big fat marker and crossed out each item on the list while telling myself “I forgive you. You have taught me a lesson and I am thankful, but I am letting go, now.” It took like 2 hours. BUT day-to-day, when I run into someone that hurts me, I let it hurt for a minute and aknowledge that my feelings are valid and then I say to myself, “I forgive you. You are coming into my life from a different place than me, and sometimes we don’t see eye to eye on ________” Usually, its a shorter version of that, but you get the idea. 😉
- Exercise and books. That’s it! Read and workout regularly, because you will help yourself in the beautiful trifecta that you are: body, mind, and soul.
I don’t know…. reading that post just made me feel so validated about life.
The fact of the matter is, we all have some crazy shit that happens throughout our lives. We all have a story to tell. Some big event that has shaped us right down to our cores. It’s inevitable.
The good news is, we can always do something about it. Take action. Do whatever needs to get done so that you can push through the pain and come out stronger on the other side. Change is already scary enough as it is, but when scary shit happens directly to you, what will you do about it? Will you try to ignore it and hope that it goes away, or will you face your challenges head on and continue to move in vibrance, love, and strength? No one ever said life was easy. So, what’s your excuse?
That’s sort of the mentality I’ve been through this month. It’s been a whirlwind of chaos. Some bad things, but a lot of good came out of it, I think.. and the underlying theme was all about strength and love over the past few weeks, which has been a nice escape in itself.
Remember to be kind to yourself and if you or someone close to you is in serious distress or simply needs to talk to someone, please call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text 741741.
If you feel that you or someone you love is in immediate danger, do not hesitate to call 911.
The national domestic abuse hotline is 1-800-799-7233