Random realizations…

“Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.”– Picasso

“Know the rules, but break them and set yourself free,” is exactly my interpretation of that quote and I fucking love it.

 

Also, I like, never ever ask this, but if you would kindly take the time to click the links regarding HSP’s and Adoption, I would super appreciate it. All other links are either blog-related or a link to a therapy website. 

I am still navigating my binge eating issues and while I have made significant progress on that aspect, I am currently navigating the murky waters of some rather serious ovarian issues. I have PCOS but I am currently awaiting some results because I have been (and currently am) in immense pain. It has been a roller coaster, to say the least…but through these ups and down’s I have learned a lot within the past couple of weeks, especially within the last week or so.

Those thoughts and aha-moments, I wanted to share today. Partially because I can vent here in my own little corner of the internet, but also because these realizations may help you too! I certainly hope so!

  • First and foremost, I have learned that you have to treat your depression like it is your fucking job. Don’t want to get up in the morning? Oh fucking well, you HAVE to, because you have to go to work today. Don’t want to shower? Oh fucking well, you HAVE to show up because you owe it to yourself and your “co workers” to maintain basic hygiene. Now, I am not saying that you can’t give in some times to taking a much needed break, but I am finding that the days that I am more productive are the days that I generally have a better mentality and it is easier to combat those negative thoughts. 
  • I have also learned that you deserve the best care in the world and you are not a bad person because you are in pain (or distress, or whatever.) I have this really weird guilt complex where I don’t feel like I deserve medical care/attention because I am not “sick enough.” Which is total rubbish. Just because my stuff is internal, does not take away the fact that it can be debilitating in my day-to-day activities. The fact of the matter is, it’s okay to seek medical help and attention. It’s okay to say, “this is too much for me to handle.” Thanks to my Mom for reminding me of that one. The tip off was when I said, “it’s okay, I’ve been through labor, I can handle this pain.” You better believe she made me schedule an appointment with the doctor. Looking back, if it was my own kid in pain, I would have done the same. Be your own best friend and have your own back.
  • Speaking of friends, a really important lesson I learned while talking with my therapist* this week was, “You can’t change people and people can’t change you.” I am working very hard lately to not be nearly as judgmental as I used to be. I have walked away from arguments, disengaged myself in discussions, and I am slowly learning to navigate the murky waters of being a highly sensitive person (HSP). I am aware that a large part of the social conflicts I have are because despite my being a HSP, I have the tendency to react in large ways when I am at my breaking point. I can lash out, shut down, yell, cry, or even vomit if I am feeling overwhelmed. So currently, I am learning that while it is 100% okay to be me, I can’t except even those closest to me to constantly have to navigate my emotions on behalf of myself. Again, I have to be my own best friend and it is fully my responsibility to look out for (and protect) myself. 
  • Adding on to this, I have very recently learned that life is always shifting and changing. What once was, may not continue to be– and that’s okay. I’m learning that more often than not, it’s much better to be adaptable, than it is to try and make something work. I am such a fixer. I want things to be just-so. I want things to be stress free– inevitably, my worry revolving around whatever situation is at hand often causes my stress. After a very recent blow-out with a friend, I learned that it is absolutely worth it to choose my battles. I never want to add to another person’s stress.
  • I also learned that as dramatic as I am, I am a really fucking good person. I was sort of shocked to see that I am not nearly as angry as I thought I was, and that most of my anger was merely misplaced pain. Again, that constant need for reassurance as an adoptee totally over flows into all the other aspects of my life. So, a simple joke to a group of friends, may be exceptionally jarring for me because since the day I was born, I have had to deal with rejection in one form or another and that honestly leaves a scar.**  Anyway, it’s kinda cool to see that despite all the stuff I have personally had to go through in my life, at the end of the day, all I want is to provide a safe place for my family and friends and self. I am the first to admit when I fuck up– not because I’m trying to be mocking, but because I genuinely fucking care. It was not surprising to realize this about myself, but it was jarring to have to try to articulate that part of myself to someone. It’s kind of a lot, right? LOL

I guess, my biggest take away is this: We can’t run from our pasts, and we can’t make the future go exactly how we want it to. All we can do is move forward and embrace the moment for what it is. So, that’s what I will be trying my best to do– pain or no pain, every stressful moment can be viewed as an opportunity to truly dig deep and learn something. The optimist in me is perfectly okay with that, and it sorta lessens the blow.  Also, one of my favorite quotes is this: its-okay-to-be-a-glowstick-sometimes-we-have-to-break-before-we-shine

Peace and love,

S.

 

* 7 cups is an online therapy service that offers free “listeners,” (non-certified regular human beings who have been trained through 7 cups to help you through your issues) or for a $150 monthly fee, you can speak to a therapist online. It’s all anonymous, and it is seriously wonderful. Highly HIGHLY recommend.

**(It almost seems silly to say, “well I had a rough beginning to life, so I’m hyper sensitive,” but there are a slew of mental issues that come up from adoption— ALONE… in addition to the “normal issues.” that I have had to deal with. While I do my very best to never victimize myself or to use my adoption, mental health, hypersensitivity, and past as an excuse– they are all part of who I am.)

Remember to be kind to yourself and if you or someone close to you is in serious distress or simply needs to talk to someone, please call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text 741741.

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