This post isn’t really for me, as much as it is for you. Please read at your own will and take as much as you want. Sometimes seeing our feelings validated in written form is more healing than we can comprehend. So, here’s to you, dear reader:
People post online, “Adulting is hard.” I’ll let you in on a secret: Once I asked my mom (who adopted me when she was 43) if adults ever have it figured out, if life ever gets easier, if we will ever stop being ducks swimming in a pond. Do you want to know what my brilliant mother said? No. No one ever figures it all out. Problems still come up. Pain still exists. Life still happens.
At no point in life, do things just stop coming up. And I think we all inherently know this– we KNOW the world won’t stop moving or things won’t ever be at an all perfect peak for any semblance of permanence. The thing is, we can’t stop chasing that dream.
Somewhere along the journey, we fell into “destination addiction.” (according to pinterest quotes, “the idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job, or even the next partner”) …You get the idea. Growing up in the sheltered suburbs of America, I thought that there would be this great moment when I’d be all grown up with my kids tucked into bed and I’d look over at my husband and just be… No problems in the world, no worries. He’d go to work each day, I’d be at home with the family, and everything would just… flow. My husband and I were discussing some memories the other night. And he said, “those were much simpler times.” I said, “No, we are just remembering the good things. You don’t remember my postpartum depression and my drinking all the time and us arguing constantly and being broke? Because I do.” The thing is, we remember the things we want to. When we get into that nostalgic place, it’s easy to hold on to the less painful memories. But all of the moments, good or bad, are what make us who we are today.
At this point in my life I’ve witnessed divorce, adoptions, abortions. Some friends are just now tying the knot. Others are leaving a cold and loveless marriage. Some people are trying fervently to conceive. Some friends are putting their children up for adoption. Some friends are adopting. Some friends are business owners, or CEO’s. Other’s are bartenders or waiters who go out and drink and club on the weekends. I’ve seen friends go through physical abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse. I’ve seen single mothers, stay at home fathers, people losing their jobs, people losing their significant others. I’ve comforted people who were dying and held their hand as they went. I’ve seen people live simply… the people who have the jobs and their ducks all in a row and yet they are drowning in crippling depression. Each and every one of these people (and more) have survived these moments. YES, it hurts. It fucking hurts when you feel so alone and like no one else can understand your situation and the whole weight of the world is on your shoulders. But you’re not alone. I promise you.
So, dear reader, this is for you. Don’t forget that we are evolved and born into this world from a place of perfect love. Whether it’s energy that is bonded into a celestial from that has transcended into this plane, or whether it’s science, or God, or whatever– we are fucking here. We are here not to seek perfection, but to revel in the mess that is on this earth. Throw off the bowlines and live. Find joy in the little things. (You brushed your teeth today? FUCKING AWESOME– that toothpaste was minty delicious cleanliness! You got out of bed today when you really fucking didn’t want to? FUCKING AWESOME. YOU DID A THING!!)
So while we miss our loved ones, mourn our losses, grieve the pain in the heartache– don’t be afraid to feel. All of it. Embrace every part of the process and know that you will absolutely get through these moments. These moments are shaping you. You are creating the most vibrant story that you will be able to share or hold closely to your heart. So, don’t quit.
A few reminders:
- The fact that you can grieve so deeply, even if you don’t want to, means that you have the inherent capacity to love.
- Yes, it hurts, but this pain is a tangible reminder that you have a heart of gold and are stronger than you think.
- No one has it perfect. Everyone is struggling in one way or another.
- You are in charge of your struggle. Walk away if you need to, but know that not everything will be solved instantaneously.
- Good moments will happen, too. Life has peaks and valleys. You’ve had a 100% success rate so far, so keep going.
Remember to be kind to yourself and if you or someone close to you is in serious distress or simply needs to talk to someone, please call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text 741741.