5 years without you

Missing you, Still.ย  Last year’s post….

I’m a little disjointed tonight. I’m okay but there is still that ache that comes with loss of a loved one.

Five years.
Five years of grief.
Some days I miss you so much it hurts.
Some days I miss you so much and I laugh at all of our memories.
They say that grief is just love with no place to go.
I don’t buy that.
Every day that I am here is another day that I am living for you.
It’s my own “fuck you,” to all of the horrible things that go on in this world.
Yes, life can be hard.
I am so sorry that it was too harsh of a place for you
I am so sorry that you needed an escape.
We will never be the same without you.
Without your laugh,
or your smell.
Your weird quirks.
You aren’t suffering anymore.
No more pain,
no more tears.
No more worries.
So, my love for you always has a place to go.
It flows through me as I carry your memories:
When you lived with Rudy and me,
when we would eat rose petal ice cream,
when we would talk adoption, or depression, or boys
I talk about you all the time.
Your photo is on my fridge so I can look at you every day.
I run into friends and we reminisce,
or someone who knew you and knew that I knew you too will message me.
I talk with them and answer their questions to the best of my ability.
So much of your life was shrouded in mystery
I guess that was your way of protecting yourself.
Vulnerability can be a scary thing,
which is why on this day I make it a point to write about you.
If I could see you now, I’d just tell you one thing:
We will never forget you.
You have left your own mark on this world.
I feel so fucking lucky to have known you.
I love you so much.
**Suicide is a very real thing. If you see someone struggling, please do not hesitate to call their parents, an authority figure, or the national hotline at 1-800-273-8255
**Drug addiction is a mental illness. If you or someone you know is struggling please call 1-800-662-HELP
**Eating disorders come in many forms. It is best to talk to a specialist. If you or someone you know is struggling, please call 1-866-566-4112 (It’s for bulimia, but they can point you in the right direction if you have anorexia, orthoexia, binge eating disorder, or EDNOS)

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